Receiver

"Do you feel that?"
she asked the hair behind
his ear with
her breath.

"Feel what?"
the other end
of the receiver
crackled in response.

"Distance,"
her tongue answered,
sliding
over cartilage to take
the lobe
between her teeth.

"I don't know what you mean,"
the receiver said,
inflecting its crackle like
its statement was more
of a question than any
statement could be.

I hate you.

You should have left me,
broken and undercover.
Maybe I could have saved this,
restored a martyred lover.

Instead you came back crying
for a shoulder and a kiss.
You goddamn fool I loved you
before you walked away like this.

Now I break before the dawn
under the weight of words so grey,
and I'll pull on my plastic smile
that lies so easily to your face.

For when I curl up next to you,
burying my face upon your chest,
and fall asleep to door number three-
which option- Not the best.

Now I know reality
and the truth that it foretells.
You should have walked away that day
and left me to my hells.

Purgatory, a quiet hearth,
and Hell a sauna steamed.
Because having all of you,
yet none of this,
is a nightmare, not a dream.

If Only

If only she were dressed in white
and held her mother's hand too tight.
And smiled at the bumblebees,
and asked for, "A cookie please."

Now she wears her skinny jeans
and falls in love with piercings.
Ink just below an olive tone
shows mother where the years have gone.

"I'm not a baby, mama,"
she smiles at the phone.
"I need to live my life now,
I promise I'll come home."

She liked his shoes
when he left the laces in her car.

She hates the soles now
as they walk him away.

ugh

I hate the way you breathe
when you're on top of me.
The way your teeth shake,
and you hiss between their gaps.
Brush them.
You smell like beer and weed.

I hate the way I get bored
when you resort to carnal pleasure
and call me and come over
and breathe that rancid breath
down my neck and across my hips.

I hate the way you smile at me,
and I smile back, as though
I actually enjoyed that.
In all honesty I did
when I closed my eyes.

I hate the way you voice it,
with petty moans and
whines of more, harder, deeper.
I hate how this is what we are.

Get out. Don't call me ever again.
Go fuck the other six, or seven.

Or better yet, why don't you go fuck yourself?

She is aware of the way things are, and still she hides the truth from herself.



Sometimes, late at night when the AC is giving her gooseflesh and she can't sleep, she reads all the text messages you sent her. Some of them make her smile. The rest pull at the corners of her zinfandel lips.



She wishes that you knew everything about her, like you think you do. She has her secrets, and she often lies to you. It's nothing bad. It's just something she doesn't know how to put into words. She can put it in writing, though. Somehow it works better when it rhymes and she can lie again and tell you it's easier to write about things you've never experienced.



The sad part is you believe her.



But you could be lying too.



She smiles at your pictures on her wall, and honestly does want you to be happy. So she inquires about your latest interests. Her name, where you met, if she smokes. That's always been a big deal. She does smoke. And it's the same brand you do.

She splashes in rain puddles, only after removing her shoes. They were too slippery anyway. She smiles to herself, doesn't watch the janitor staring from the overhang. She just hops, skips, and jumps to class.

She waits for the green light, fighting not to catch anyone's eye. The little white man flashes and she walks just outside the edge of the crosswalk. Does it make her feel dangerous? Or something closer to the surface?

She jumps off every curb like it's a leap of faith, and glances always at the man behind her while pretending to look at cars. Her music softens her smile, and she looks sad, but she's just thinking.

She talks to people at the bus stop, but they leave their headphones in and stare with the corners of their eyes. No one is nice anymore. No one expects kindness.

She'll leave the same song on repeat for a week and a half, until she knows every word and every chord, until she almost hates it.

She'll smile at everyone, and nod her head. She says thank you to anyone who holds a door, excuses herself from being in anyone's way, and always tells cashiers to have a good day. She's an open heart.

And she goes home alone every night to write about it.